20 10 / 2013
-first time meeting someone from the internet
-first time meeting another gay mormon (no, not me)
-first time meeting someone from tumblr
-first date with a guy (sorta…)
-first blind date (again, kinda sorta)
08 10 / 2013
"This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals—sounds that say listen to this, it is important."
23 9 / 2013
I was ranting about how having no one to talk to and having no outlet causes a build up in me, and that i don’t want to worry about me, but at the same time i need an outlet. well… in order to relieve pressure, there has to be an outlet for some time period, therefore the solution to not think about my problems is to face them head on….
23 9 / 2013
So, I was fortunate enough to be able to go to the Muse concert that was in Salt Lake last week (which was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING, by the way). In their new album, they have a sciency kind of theme, which is awesome because I’m a complete nerd and I like that stuff. Two of their songs are called Unsustainable and Isolated System, which are like dub-step, techno, physics lesson mix songs that are really awesome. One of the lines in the songs says, “in an isolated system, entropy can only increase.”
And you know me, I love a good science analogy.
I heard that line, and I had one of those pause-what-you’re-doing moments where something suddenly hits you, and it all makes sense and I feel like I found some sort of answer… or just a good post to blog.
I did a little bit of research on what an isolated system is, and basically it’s only a concept, something that cannot exist in the universe, because there will always be interactions between systems. Theoretically, however, if an isolated system did exist, with no energy going in or out of the system, it would become increasingly unstable until it becomes unsustainable. So, in nature, nothing can exist solely on its own for long before it ceases to exist.
For people, or, for me at least, this same concept applies. You can’t really do anything on your own. And, of course, there is a religious application here, too, but I’m not getting into that right now. But in terms of mental health, you can’t really do stuff on your own.
Ever since I’ve been at college, while I’ve had a ton of fun, I have also had some of the hardest and most overwhelming moments in my life. Even though I am with people, I realize how alone I really am sometimes. I am around all of these other people, and I feel like such a foreigner sometimes. No one really understands me. I don’t have anyone to talk to. Everyone is afraid of what I am, even though it’s not really who I am. I am surrounded by people with nowhere to turn. Not a face to see, or a hand to hold. And it’s really been taking a toll on my mentality. Like, I’m not going insane or anything, but some days I go through these short depressive episodes where I just feel so defeated by everything, so misunderstood, so unmotivated to do anything or talk to anyone. I’m not trying to isolate myself, but I don’t really have a choice. I choose my friends over my sanity. And honestly, that might not be the best choice for me.
I am literally an isolated system in a field of systems. And while I interact with so many people on a daily basis, having a system completely untouched by anyone, I feel entropy increasing within me. And that can only happen for so long before a system becomes unsustainable. Without flow of energy in or out of me, chaos can only ensue. Without an outlet, an explosion is the only option left. So maybe I am going insane and I just haven’t realized it yet. After all, I’m no exception to the laws of nature, right?
My bishop is really awesome and we’ve had a few short conversations where I feel like he really understands me and what kind of stress I’m under just being a member of the church and having to deal with SSA, but he always moves on from it because there is other stuff (mission stuff) to talk about. So I guess I can’t really blame him, but I really want to be his friend. I know that sounds strange, but he’s literally the only person I’ve talked to in my entire life that is Mormon and doesn’t care/actually understands the position I’m in. I really feel like he cares about me and my struggles, and that’s what I love about him. But with 150 other kids in the ward, he can’t really focus on me all the time, no matter how much I want him to. So, I’ve considered the BYU counseling center, which offers free counseling to any full-time student, about any problem they have. If I can’t talk to my friends about it, or my bishop, I need some other outlet to release my inner energy before my isolated entropy destroys me.
I just really feel like a foreigner in my own country. I feel so out of place sometimes, so terribly awkward, so awkwardly terrible at everything. I don’t fit in, I don’t date anyone, I don’t talk about girls (or boys) and I don’t like people. I don’t have many friends, though as I said, I love the ones I do have. But there’s always that barrier between me and them, where they can never fully understand who I am, otherwise I feel like they wouldn’t be my friend. And many people wonder why I even allow myself to be friends with them if they wouldn’t accept me, but they wouldn’t understand how hard it is to just not be friends with people around here. Maybe the BYU students know what I mean. But when you click with them so well, so quickly, and so deeply, especially for me, when that’s what I look for in a friendship, it’s hard to say no. I guess I prefer quality over quantity. And the other thing is that, for the first time in my life, most of my friends are guys. That has literally never happened to me before. ALL of my friends, save two or three, back home were girls. But here, ALL of my friends, save two or three, are guys. And it’s nice. Not because I’m attracted to them or anything, but because I have deep, meaningful relationships with guys for the first time in my life, and I’m loving it. It’s difficult to explain if you haven’t experienced it first hand, but it’s not something I’m willing to let go of yet. It’s like I said earlier, I prefer my friendships over my sanity in this case.
So, no matter the case, I will always be an isolated system in some way, whether that’s protecting my friendships at the expense of my sanity, or the other way around. I guess you can’t have everything, right? There’s always counseling I suppose, but it’s not quite the same as an understanding friend. Maybe my expectations are too high, though. I want this perfect friend who won’t judge me, who understand me, and still wants to be my friend. A friend who will see the entropy within me and provide a way for me to release energy so that it doesn’t destroy me from the inside out. A friend who will prevent entropy from increasing even more.
18 9 / 2013
I talked to my Bishop tonight and I’m allowed to go on a mission without delays. I can start (finish) my papers and turn them in as soon as I want. And I’m planning on being done with them in less than 2 weeks…
So there’s that.
17 9 / 2013
I will write about the following, leave one in my ask box.
Dear person I hate,
Dear person I like,
Dear ex boyfriend,
Dear ex girlfriend,
Dear ex bestfriend,
Dear future me,
Dear past me,
Dear person I’m jealous of,
Dear person I had a crush on,
15 9 / 2013
And my roommate is really cool. But I resent the fact that we haven’t had any really meaningful conversations yet… So I hope that changes because I don’t really believe in friendships that aren’t meaningful. And I don’t want to spend 4 months with someone who I can’t talk deeply with…
whoops, posted on the wrong blog
15 9 / 2013
So, obviously I haven’t posted here in a while, so I thought I would give a brief update on my life just to show that I haven’t abandoned this blog, which in fact I keep updates on here, I just don’t post them ever…
The biggest news, other than school starting is that I started my mission papers a week or so ago, so I’m one step closer to getting my mission call and leaving for 2 years…. Scary thought. Sometimes I wonder why the heck I am doing this, but then I realize that it isn’t for me, and the religious side of me oozes out. I’m surrounded by people getting their mission calls and I want to join the crowd. That’s not the only reason I want to go, obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t do it. If I didn’t believe in the LDS church, then I wouldn’t be going anywhere for 2 years, so that clears that up. I am doing it because I believe it’s the right thing to do and I want to show God that I care about what He has given me. I am so excited to go on a mission, and so nervous at the same time.
It’s really overwhelming sometimes, but in two years it will all feel like a dream…
On another note, I really like BYU.
04 9 / 2013
"Writers are too neurotic to ever be happy. - Connie Willis"
One of the rare things I disagree with the brilliant Connie Willis on, though I do take her point.
I don’t know. Maybe it’s true! I hope not, though. I was on the phone to a writer friend, and we were talking about goals, and I said I wanted to be happy, and I felt startled and a little awed by the idea.
It was me! I was the writer friend she was on the phone with. “Happy?” I believe I said, as though I’d misheard her. “I didn’t know you wanted to be happy.”
When I was in my early 20s and drowning in pretension, I remember my girlfriend at the time asking me why I didn’t even seem to WANT to be happy, and I told her that I didn’t find happiness a compelling goal for life.
I’m still not really motivated by a desire to be happy, and I may well be too neurotic ever to be happy. But I have come to believe now that happy is one of the most noble and heroic things that people can be. I undervalued happiness because I associated it with simplicity and inattention. In fact, I suspect that happiness almost always results from being both attentive and accepting.
Maybe that is what writers as a rule cannot do? I don’t know. I can be accepting until I have to be attentive, and I can be attentive until I have to be accepting, but when asked to do both, I always retreat into fiction, where I make the damned rules.(via fishingboatproceeds)