30 6 / 2014
I walked outside tonight and looked up into the sky at the millions of stars. I’m in kind of a rural area right now, so the sight is really quite lovely; there aren’t a super huge ton of lights around to dim the sky. As I was gazing into the celestial beauty above, I was thiinking to myself, “If I wait long enough, I’m sure I’ll see a shooting star.” And then I thought about what I would wish for when the moment came. And then I remembered something…
About a year ago I was talking with one of my good friends about the topic of shooting stars and what we would wish for. I was troubled at the time because I couldn’t think of something I wanted to wish for. She responded by telling me that if I couldn’t think of anything off of the top of my head, then there must not be anything pressing or important enough for me to worry about right now, and so not to worry about it. I was taken aback, but I suppose at the time she was right. There just wasn’t anything that I really really needed. That, or it was something else.
Tonight the conversation replayed in my head and I realized that that’s not what it was. It’s not that I didn’t want anything, that I didn’t have something to wish for, that I didn’t have something pressing on my mind. I did. I always do. But the battle that was going on then has made a resurgence, and the problem is that I know no shooting star is going to make a difference.
I know what I want.
I know what I want.
I can’t have it all.
Maybe the struggle isn’t that there is nothing that I need right now, but I know that I can’t have it all, so I silently watch as the star burns away. I watch as I stand there speechless and unable to utter anything at all. I watch as I realize that maybe it isn’t that I don’t want anything. I know what I want, after all, but which “want” is it? I can’t have it all, so I can’t choose. Maybe it’s not that I don’t know what I want, but that I’m too scared to choose it. And I wouldn’t want to regret anything, would I?
23 3 / 2014
Never get too attached to anyone unless they also feel the same towards you, because one sided expectations can mentally destroy you.
16 3 / 2014
New game: watch people. Pick a random person. Imagine a story where they are the protagonist. Now without mentally changing any detail about their appearance or expression, imagine a story where they are the antagonist. How awful could that smiling granny be? How good can that slovenly creep on the park bench be?
What stories would people make up about you at first glance?